Question 1

Is this site current and operating?

Accepted Answer

You may not know this, but wix websites are quite expensive to maintain, and I assure you I am not throwing money away on a website promoting and booking a job I'm no longer performing. So if this site is up, it's operating, it's current, and I'm taking online bookings. Life's short; fill out the booking form and take me for a spin.

Question 2

Are your photos current?

Accepted Answer

Current-ish. Listen, I absolutely hate taking pictures (like ever, my phone camera roll is mostly screenshots of memes), and I hate the ordeal of photo shoots, so I do them as infrequently as possible. HOWEVER, I absolutely assure you the photos on my website are quite an accurate representation of my real actual self (give or take a few inches of hair length), and in fact most clients tell me I look better in person (probably because I'm not trying to grin through the agony of a photo  shoot).

I know we're living through a marketing era of constant access, never ending selfie feeds, and unhinged parasocial relationships, but I do not actually owe anyone endless amounts of new and free content. The pics are of me, and when they stop being accurate, I'll replace them with new ones.

Question 3

I'm uncomfortable with your screening process. Can you make an exception or reassure me this is legit?

Accepted Answer

Short answer: No

Long answer: You are booking a service with me; not the other way around. I don't need to jump through your hoops.  I have already set the conditions and boundaries under which I will provide my services to you, a total stranger, in my personal and private space. And I have already built an entire website and automated email infrastructure with gobs of information. If this all makes you too nervous or sketched out, no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to book an unessential luxury service. Move on to someone who has a compatible screening policy to your needs, or nut up.

I know patronizing this underworld industry for the first time is really nerve-wracking, and I think anyone who shows up at my door for their very first service is quite brave. But it is the workers in this industry who take on the true burden of risk, and not to get our rocks off, but to ensure our livelihood and make an income. Workers in this industry create individually tailored screening policies that will best insure their bodily and financial safety.

Different providers may have different policies and take on different burdens of risk depending on their socio-economic circumstances. You may be sketched out by the amount of personal information I, or another provider may ask of you, but someone who has the luxury of protecting their own safety and security, probably also cares  about yours.

So, this is all the assurance and explanation you will get on the subject. If it's not enough, you're not ready. Stay home.

Question 4

Why don't you see anyone under 25?

Accepted Answer

It honestly has nothing to do with age discrimination or personal negative experience; the kids are all right with me. It's simply that I am in my mid 40s, and while you may think you look quite adult and mature, many people in their 20s still look like teenagers to us olds, and that just gives me the big ick! Come back when you can rent a car, and I will welcome you with open arms.

Question 5

I have a disability/am neurodivergent/have PTSD. Can I still see you?

Accepted Answer

Of course! I have experience working with both disabled and neurodivergent folks, as well as folks with trauma and PTSD (the caveat being, while my building is wheelchair accessible, my current studio set-up cannot accommodate a wheelchair and you must be able to climb a couple steps to access the bed). Building trust with strong boundaries is important to me, and every human has the right to experience pleasure in their body, regardless of how it functions.

An important note: I am not even close to a good substitute for therapy. I'm more like that fun group activity your therapist encourages you to try. Please don't use this service in place of therapy, and please for the love of god, do not think of me, or any other provider as a kind of therapist. We are less like therapists and more like your own high end customer fulfillment rep.

Question 6

I belong to a marginalized group. Do you have any exclusions?

Accepted Answer

I only exclude assholes, my friend. Racism, ageism, fatphobia, transphobia, etc. have no place in my space.

Question 7

Can I subscribe or follow you anywhere else online?

Accepted Answer

Follow me in your dreams. I am extremely offline these days, and while yeah, it's bad for marketing, it's very good for my mental health. I quit Twitter when Melon Husk started taking on administrative roles in the government (lol to that brief moment). I technically have a bluesky account, but I really only use it to lurk and keep up with world events. When I'm not seeing clients I'm usually spending my  buckets of free time on one of many, many, rotating hobbies, or watching movies with my dog. So I'm bad at being online, but I am a fantastic and very opinionated conversationalist with that ADHD knack for having stores of data on random and obscure subjects.

SENSUAL
ALCHEMY

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